Tomato Can

So I was on the horn the other day with my old buddy Dan Roulier, who I call “The Rulebreaker.” The Rulebreaker was saying he was surprised about some incumbent who won big in the last election. I said, “What the hell, he ran against a goddamn tomato can.” Then I heard a helluva belly laugh come through the blower. He was howling like a hyena. It’s a great feeling to make someone laugh like that, Spitball Johnson.

“What the hell is a tomato can?” he asked me. I told him I picked up the term from Mustard Garvey. It’s a boxing expression that means a sureshot loser. Mustard says it originated from the childhood pastime of kicking the can down the street.

That got me thinking about the old heavyweight Gerry “The Great White Hope” Cooney, who had an undefeated 25-0 record when he went up against the champ Larry “The Easton Assassin” Holmes at Caesars Palace in 1982. Sportscasters said Cooney fought nothin’ but tomato cans in the run-up to his bout with Holmes.

My old man and I were in the front row of a closed-circuit broadcast of that fight. I was always a big fan of Cooney. As the bell sounded for round one, Cooney threw his famous knockout left hook. Like a jackass, I jumped out of my seat and hooted, “It’s over!”

Thing was, the punch never landed. A guy a few rows back yelled out, “Yeah, it’s over his head, you moron!” The crowd had a helluva belly laugh. That one didn't feel so good. My dad was humiliated and Larry Holmes won by TKO in the thirteenth round when Cooney’s manager threw in the towel. I was “The Great White Dope” that night. Sometimes you just have to shut your mouth, Slip Mahoney.

Keep your dukes up.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sp4RIITcOt0

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